I practically turned from a cheeky and cheerful little girl to a real pain! For some strange reason, I was unable to speak out about what had happened to me, but I began to detest my mother and sought out ways to frustrate her – I believed that if she had protected me enough, I would have not fallen victim to the disgusting with that horrible man.
On occasions, I could still smell him on me and was utterly sickened by this; I fell into a deep depression and just wanted to die, as I felt that there was no point to my life. I spent hours crying myself to sleep every night, waking up disappointed that I was still alive, as I was not brave enough to kill myself. I actually remember an occasion when I had opened the knife drawer in my mother’s kitchen, gazing at the different knives there, willing for one of them to leap up and stab me. Another occasion, I did take one and wondered how painful it
would be to stab myself. However, I could not entertain these thoughts for long because I thought that if I killed myself I would be responsible for bringing my mother grief and so wanted to die through other means. This desire was so strong that I willed for this to
happen daily – I had a deep sense of disappointment whenever I woke up in the morning, angry that I had not died in the night as I had prayed for. I felt that God was not sympathetic or understanding of my pain. I became rude and rebellious and did not have any remorse for my bad behaviour.
I also developed an official public persona – I was so exceptionally charming and delightful at school that I got an award for the best grades as well as for the best behaved of my school year. I remember an occasion when my mother was remarking that she was not surprised by the award for my grades but could not believe that I got this also for my behaviour –
“I kept my secret exactly that – a secret – and continued to wear a mask daily to deal with my distress. After suffering in silence for so long, I began to want an end to my misery, but did not know where to start – I had to stop pretending to be happy.”
I also hated and blamed myself for what I had experienced in the hands of the perpetrator and found it hard to shake these feelings off. I also hated him, but I could not show him that – I was only able to show fear whenever I was around him (unfortunately, I still had some interactions with him and his family), but then hated myself afterwards for not being able to stand up to him. After finishing secondary school, I left for the UK to start a new life here, using the opportunity to work on “rebooting” my life, but the depression and desire to die followed me here. I still needed to be around people to feel alive, as I felt very empty on my own. My self-confidence was shattered – any compliments received from men would put me off. I continued wanting to die, but never felt brave enough to do so – I kept insisting for God to do this as I did not want to get my hands dirty, as it were. I had my grudge against God as I felt He was not “co-operating” with me – after all, it was a so-called Christian that did
this to me in the first place, so I felt that He needed to “sort it”.
One day, a friend who was coming to the HelpCentre for the first time, asked me to come along with her as she did not want to come alone – she had received a newspaper through her door. I went with her willingly; although I still blamed God for the perpetrator’s acts, I knew He was most possibly the only One who could help me. I remember that I experienced a difference when I first came – I remember thinking, “I’m home” – I could not put a finger on why I felt that, but I just knew God was reaching out to me. I remember the preaching that I heard about trusting in what God can do for our lives, but that we had to allow Him into our lives in order to work. I cried bitterly when I got home, asking for God to forgive me for blaming Him for the trauma I had gone through. I was able to think rationally
and understand that I could not be at war with the only One who was capable of transforming me. As I attended more, I began to grow in hope that my life did not have
to be defined by what happened to me. I had to let go of this crutch I had used for so long, but I was honestly doubtful of how I could be “normal” again after that much scarring.
From that day on, I began to let God fix me, but the grudge was deeply rooted in my psyche – it took about 6 months to let that go and redefine who I was.
I let God carry out His surgery on me – He had my consent to remove every grudge and
negativity about my past. This was not something I could have done on my own, and with God’s help, I was able to dig up and take out every bitter and twisted root from my past. The desire to die is no longer a daily wish but I long to live to show that there is life after such pain and it does not have to define who I am or make me a victim for the rest of my life.
As a result, I have developed a relationship with God that would not be influenced by the things I see or hear or go through – I found a new Father who told me that I am special and helped me become a new person; I did not have to be suspicious of His attention or love towards me – He did not have any ulterior motive or have any dirty secret for me to keep, for His gain. I have been able to be TRULY happy after digging up the root of the problem that had been planted so many years before.
Being born of God has since enabled me to have the normal growth and development that I had previously missed out on. Now, I have a newness of life and I have every confidence in who I am in God. I have daily battles in my life, but the difference from before is that I know I can now overcome each one of them. I can categorically state that if I had not dealt with the root of the problem, I would probably be dead by now. I thank God daily for my
turnaround, through His loving kindness and grace, and certainly for the UCKG HelpCentre!
Don’t let any stubborn negative roots hinder your fullness of life – find them, seek help and dig them all out!
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