The most profound thing I have heard is ‘you can’. The permission to have and build whatever my heart desired, of course within the will of God. The start of my journey with God was such a revelation!
I was always bogged down with reasons why I couldn’t. A battlefield of why I couldn’t and why I shouldn’t. Second guessing and lost opportunities. Here I was in 2004 in my first ever independently attended Church service, hearing that I could because Jesus died that I may have. Enough is Enough I was told. I took that and ran with it. Such a fresh and reviving moment that meant more to me than anyone could ever imagine. Deliverance.
My earliest memories where of arguments at home. Didn’t know what triggered those arguments between my parents but they would escalate quite quickly ending up with the police arriving and taking me (a young child) to a safe place whilst things calmed down at home. The routine became: run, hide, wait for it to cool down and return to the same situation.
At 8 years old, my home life became different. It was now just me and mum. My mum found courage and I was now in a calmer environment. It was safe. My internal fears of possible danger still seemed to loom around. Migraine headaches brought on from trauma were now a weekly occurrence.
Fast forward to my teenage years, being safe was my natural go-to. I didn’t venture out or take chances. At school I did enough to pass. I didn’t push myself to see what my full potential was, and so life drifted pass and insecurity and the “what if’s” took a firm hold. By the time I got to university I was a smoker of 20 cigarettes a day and alcohol was my confidence boost. Days went pass filled with what the next rave or entertainment was going to be, my inner soul grew more insecure and weary. I didn’t like the life I led but had no idea how to change it.
In my first ever independently attended Church service. The words I heard were my liberation. God hands stretched out to rescue and provide guidance. I had never felt so free.
With each step with God, layers of insecurities fell away. I had the inner strength to stop smoking – no patches or any other method to wean me off. I couldn’t even bare the smell now!! Likewise, the mix of alcohol with cigarettes naturally ended.
I spent time getting to know more about God, getting closer and closer. Healing in the process. Forgiveness gave birth to physical healing and my migraines ceased. A new relationship with my father and the understanding that we all have a journey.
A restoration is what I call it. I was healed and felt whole. With this I was able to love another, and after years of singleness, met my now husband (an article in itself!). God gave me the courage to set goals and achieve them, no longer seeking safe places and plagued with “what if’s”. If it was a challenge, I was here for it!! I met my husband, got married abroad and lived there for 6 years. Building a life from scratch and working my way up to a senior manager for an international organisation managing over 20 people. Standing delivering training in full confidence. The old me could never dream of such a thing!
With two children, my confident boys, I’m able to show them through action how to build a life on God’s promises. A priceless legacy.